Avo, it’s Portuguese for Grandmother. Let me tell you, my Avo is a real firecracker. Barely 5 feet tall and shrinking with age, she is the strongest, boldest woman I know. When she got engaged, her future in-laws were terrified—why would their son want to marry a woman so petite and frail? Surely she would die young; little did they know she would be the widower for the better part of last three decades. But that didn’t stop Avo. She traveled the world by train, plane, and boat. She’d regularly use public transit to venture to Toronto for the day to shop the markets and visit her favourite hair salon and nail spa.
They say a Grandmother is twice a mother, and nothing could be truer in my case. Avo moved in with us before I reached kindergarten and practically raised me. I can only now fully appreciate what a privilege it was to share that close bond with an elder so full of wisdom from such a young age. Unfortunately, Avo’s health has been declining over the few past years. She suffers from anxiety and dementia or as she would humorously describe in her Portuguese accent, “I think when you get old you can remember things from…from…” she struggles to recall the English word and waves her hand in a backwards motion signaling the past, “…more than what you did yesterday.” But wisdom is not lost on Avo, not thirty minutes later she’ll repeat that exact same piece of gold.
This past weekend I ‘babysat’ my Avo and went to a baby shower. I couldn’t help but acknowledge the juxtaposition of one life nearing it’s final curtain and the promise of a new one just beginning. It was interesting to think about sitting there with the very woman who moved in as my full time caregiver when I was just a toddler, now being the one supervised and attended to. When we grow old, just like when we are in our early years of life, we are our most vulnerable. Seniors and children are more similar than may appear at first glance: both require someone to feed them, care for them, make sure they are driven around, and taken to appointments. In fact, the most dependent aspects of our character mark the bookends of our lives. So why do we search our whole life to be independent, strong, get a good head on our shoulders, only to ultimately return to that same vulnerability we eagerly tried to escape. Name one senior in their wise old age who doesn’t long to be young and naïve again or revels in the ‘good old days.’ So why do we desperately seek independence for a large chunk in the middle of our lives?
Now, I realize many believe that in the end, it all comes down to the individual, no one but you will have your best interests in mind. You are alone in your quest for bliss and the responsibility for your own life’s happiness rests squarely on your shoulders. In fact, some people have such a chip on their shoulder, they don’t want assistance from anyone! Men are particularly susceptible to this brand of pride; we’ve all encountered a gent or two whose depth of independence renders them emotionally unavailable. Women aren’t excluded from the rat race either. Flick on the radio, R&B songs are littered with the ‘independent woman’ movement. Heck, we’re commissioning flights all the way to Mars so humankind can finally claim liberation and find solitude. But what’s the big incentive to go at life alone? Why do we try and act like we don’t need anybody else? Why are we running away from our true selves and our innate desire to connect. Is it really such a bad idea to have a companion or crew along the way for the journey?
Thinking back to my Grandmother, undoubtedly a fearless and self-determined woman with a whole lifetime of experiences behind her, it’s not her independent days she remembers, but rather the memories of the ‘good old days’ of her youth. The times of simplicity, vulnerability, and naivety are the ones she can recollect most fondly. Unprotected, exposed, and blissfully innocent. We must be more fearless in our daily lives to put down the shield and let others in, only then can we be our true self. Sure it’s not always easy to share our struggles and insecurities because of our pride and the risk of embarrassment—but you can’t allow your fear to turn you into a person you are not. There’s no need to wear a suit of armor or have a guard up with the people who are closest to you in your life. Everyone comes with baggage, so surround yourself with people who’ll let you unpack. Often times, you’ll realize that most people struggle with the same things you do and you’ll learn that the isolation of independence only hinders us from truly dealing with our hurts, habits, and hang-ups. Attempt to abandon the independent mantra for a moment and adopt the psychology of an aged adult or a newborn babe. What is most integral to who we are and what is inherent within us comes naturally when we are at our most vulnerable, and inevitably, that's when our authentic self shows up.
They say a Grandmother is twice a mother, and nothing could be truer in my case. Avo moved in with us before I reached kindergarten and practically raised me. I can only now fully appreciate what a privilege it was to share that close bond with an elder so full of wisdom from such a young age. Unfortunately, Avo’s health has been declining over the few past years. She suffers from anxiety and dementia or as she would humorously describe in her Portuguese accent, “I think when you get old you can remember things from…from…” she struggles to recall the English word and waves her hand in a backwards motion signaling the past, “…more than what you did yesterday.” But wisdom is not lost on Avo, not thirty minutes later she’ll repeat that exact same piece of gold.
This past weekend I ‘babysat’ my Avo and went to a baby shower. I couldn’t help but acknowledge the juxtaposition of one life nearing it’s final curtain and the promise of a new one just beginning. It was interesting to think about sitting there with the very woman who moved in as my full time caregiver when I was just a toddler, now being the one supervised and attended to. When we grow old, just like when we are in our early years of life, we are our most vulnerable. Seniors and children are more similar than may appear at first glance: both require someone to feed them, care for them, make sure they are driven around, and taken to appointments. In fact, the most dependent aspects of our character mark the bookends of our lives. So why do we search our whole life to be independent, strong, get a good head on our shoulders, only to ultimately return to that same vulnerability we eagerly tried to escape. Name one senior in their wise old age who doesn’t long to be young and naïve again or revels in the ‘good old days.’ So why do we desperately seek independence for a large chunk in the middle of our lives?
Now, I realize many believe that in the end, it all comes down to the individual, no one but you will have your best interests in mind. You are alone in your quest for bliss and the responsibility for your own life’s happiness rests squarely on your shoulders. In fact, some people have such a chip on their shoulder, they don’t want assistance from anyone! Men are particularly susceptible to this brand of pride; we’ve all encountered a gent or two whose depth of independence renders them emotionally unavailable. Women aren’t excluded from the rat race either. Flick on the radio, R&B songs are littered with the ‘independent woman’ movement. Heck, we’re commissioning flights all the way to Mars so humankind can finally claim liberation and find solitude. But what’s the big incentive to go at life alone? Why do we try and act like we don’t need anybody else? Why are we running away from our true selves and our innate desire to connect. Is it really such a bad idea to have a companion or crew along the way for the journey?
Thinking back to my Grandmother, undoubtedly a fearless and self-determined woman with a whole lifetime of experiences behind her, it’s not her independent days she remembers, but rather the memories of the ‘good old days’ of her youth. The times of simplicity, vulnerability, and naivety are the ones she can recollect most fondly. Unprotected, exposed, and blissfully innocent. We must be more fearless in our daily lives to put down the shield and let others in, only then can we be our true self. Sure it’s not always easy to share our struggles and insecurities because of our pride and the risk of embarrassment—but you can’t allow your fear to turn you into a person you are not. There’s no need to wear a suit of armor or have a guard up with the people who are closest to you in your life. Everyone comes with baggage, so surround yourself with people who’ll let you unpack. Often times, you’ll realize that most people struggle with the same things you do and you’ll learn that the isolation of independence only hinders us from truly dealing with our hurts, habits, and hang-ups. Attempt to abandon the independent mantra for a moment and adopt the psychology of an aged adult or a newborn babe. What is most integral to who we are and what is inherent within us comes naturally when we are at our most vulnerable, and inevitably, that's when our authentic self shows up.
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